When a child seems to not get their way or dislike what is happening, even just been overstimulated or tired they let us know it in what is commonly called a tantrum. These do not have a special time or place where they happen, they just happen and most of the time we as adults have no clue as to why or how to stop them.
But what are tantrums?
Tantrums are signals, the way a child shows that their emotional needs are not being met. Children do not have the language to explain or the experience to name their feelings in ways we as adults understand. These overwhelming feelings are common when a child feels disconnected from their parent/caregivers/attachment figure. Tantrums are a normal reaction for children when they feel an emotional imbalance when they are not getting their emotional needs met. This state is called emotional dysregulation.
So let's look at 7 ways to understand and manage these emotional imbalances.
1. Tantrums are a healthy thing for your child to do. They help them express their feelings when they don’t have the words they need to be understood.
2. If tantrums are not dealt with in a compassionate, caring, connective manner they can become a bigger and deeper problem of reduced resilience and behavioral acting out.
3. To be emotionally regulated children need to be emotional attached to their parent/caregiver/attachment figure. This can be anyone that makes the child feel safe, understood, and heard. This emotional attachment happens most often when you as the adult feel relaxed and safe to then get close and play with them.
4. If you as the parent/caregiver/attachment figure are overwhelmed, tantrums can trigger that overwhelm further. Tantrums that happen outside of the expected development age range (1-4 years old) can signal that the connection between child and adult has been damaged by not being strong, close or playful as it was previously or as the child needs it to be at that time. When this situation happens, this is a sign to the parent/caregiver/attachment figure that they need to unpick some of their own emotional needs to then reconnect with their child.
5. When you end up in one of those unending battles of your child not knowing really what it is they want, stop trying to solve the problem. Take a moment to wonder about what it is the child is really wanting. Get close with them and listen to what it is they are saying without giving answers to the problem whilst keeping your child safe throughout this time, trusting that the big feelings they are having will settle down/ shift. Children will be able to naturally calm themselves if you show you are with them even while they have these big feelings. They will feel understood and that you stayed with them through the worst of the feelings.
6. While the connection is being worked and the problem itself will stop being so overwhelming and problematic and the tantrums will generally stop. When a child feels connected and safe they will use you as a co-regulator of their emotions.
7. Create special time with your child where you connect and listen to them whilst playing, follow their lead in the play. This gives them the opportunity to explore situations and feelings in the safety of play. These experiences also give you an opportunity to witness your child’s understanding of the world.
Here are some great resources to help support you further:
· Helping Children Smile Again after loss and change: How to tame a tantrum. Podcast by Amanda Seyderham
· NSPCC: How to cope with tantrums. https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/cope-with-tantrums/
· Childmind Institute: How to handle tantrums and meltdowns. https://childmind.org/article/how-to-handle-tantrums-and-meltdowns/
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